Giving Advice to Gentle Dom/Dommes

Received the following inquiry from a Domme in Alaska looking for advice on playing with her new sensual sub. She says:

My (relatively new) partner identifies as submissive, but lists pain as a hard limit and has no interest in bondage overall. I’m not completely new to bdsm, but I am out of practice to say the least, and new to being in the dominant side of things. I’m struggling a bit coming up with actual scene/play ideas (he serves very well domestically already) that are more mental or sensual in nature.

Coming from a sensual switch who truly enjoys playing the Mistress/Goddess role, I too share a limit of ‘pain’ when I sub….I’m a huge fan of sensory play, sensory deprivation, blindfolds, body worship, massage, teasing, dirty talk, role play, and denial.

You could administer edging rules, ruined orgasms, and creative masturbatory commands. Maybe try to bend the roles a bit and instruct your sub to fuck you exactly how you want, even if it is a position where he is top. Sometimes I like using my subs as an object to orally fixate upon. If teasing/denial/chastity is an interest, have him wear a strap on while you ride him. Maybe you have him kneel and worship your ass while you’re putting on your makeup to go out. Do you need your boots shined? Maybe he just wants some stockings/fishnets to worship.

I do agree with what others are saying, it does certainly help if there is a little dirty talk/sexting/sharing of the personal porn collection beforehand…just so you get an idea of where their interests lie.

If he is not ‘interested’ in bondage, you can try pinning his wrists first and teasing or tickling his body to see how he responds, maybe add in a few nibbles to see if he would explore biting. If pain is not his thing you might want to try bare handed spanking of the ‘sweet spot’ just below the butt cheek. Breathplay during oral and facesitting are another fun thing to experiment with.

You can’t go wrong if you start simple and keep building on your experiences with him until you find what works. Don’t work so hard planning that you lose enjoyment, I’ve been there and it starts to feel like a part time job. Think about what turns you on and go from there.

It is evident that you care about creating meaningful and enjoyable experiences with this person, while respecting their limits, so it sounds like you’re already off to a solid start! Hopefully he’ll recognize these efforts with plenty of appreciation.

So many fun possibilities, I’m very excited for you!

-Vix

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